Shame on you God.
Those were the first words that came to my mind as it dawned on me that I will not be going back to school this semester.
As I got off the phone realizing what the person on the other end of the phone a few minutes ago just told me, I became furious.
Angry at God, I broke down crying.
With my finger pointed up and unable to voice out the words, either due to the enormity of the words I was thinking or just my inability to speak at the moment, I was yelling in my mind: Shame on you God!!!
Of course, some minutes later due to my helplessness and pain, I decided to pray to the same God to ask for help and strength.
In all these, my other thoughts that were not as crazy as the first but crazy all the same were: What would people think of me now? I mean, I shared this great testimony about how God made a way out of no way. How God showed me favor before man and I’m now able to go back to school this semester. I should’ve made 100% sure before sharing the testimony. It inspired a lot of people and strengthened their faith. So what will I do now? Go back and say that things didn’t work out? What would people think of me?
These thoughts led me into concluding that I am a big fool. The biggest of them all.
Later on that night, I realized that I am a big fool but not because of my thoughts above. I am a big fool because those were the things I was thinking about at that moment.
My fear of what people would think of me was my biggest concern and that makes me a fool. Like my testimony was about my glory and not God’s glory. This led to a series of revelations about myself, my heart, my mindset and above all, my brokenness.
As the day went on, my fear and lack of interest in sharing the news with people grew, along with the pain that comes from being disappointed and discouraged, with the confusion and uncertainty concerning what God is doing in all these.
As the day went on, with heaviness of heart, I kept talking to God.
It’s interesting how I became so willing to fast and pray for the next three days when the same idea made me weary three days before.
And on that first night, I was reminded of my thoughts earlier on that day.
I was shown my self-righteousness and the mindset that I am better/special than others because of God’s grace over my life. I saw my heart and my thoughts. I realized that my testimony was about me and not necessarily about my God. It was more of a look at what God did for ME, when it should have been, come and see my GOD. There might have been parts that truly did appreciate and acknowledged God’s favor and greatness but the deeper motivation was dark and evil.
Maybe I’m being too hard on myself but I don’t think so.
On that same night, I saw my great desire to please, to be acknowledged, to be liked and accepted, to be seen as someone that truly loves God. I saw all these while trying to figure out what happened to the desire to please God and God alone.
I cared so much about what others thought of me that I was unable to believe that the way God sees me is the only thing that matters.
I was led to watch a video and read a few stories of people that battled with identity issues, with the desire to be seen as someone that has it all together, people that are finally experiencing the grace and freedom that Christ truly gives.
And on that night, I knew that I wanted to be free from all these things. I want to not care so much about what others think of me. To not care so much about having it all together, to be free in sharing my tests/trials and doubts with others.
This has led to seeking for forgiveness and repentance. I know that I’ve been forgiven. I am being humbled and broken. And although the process is not pleasant, I’m already experiencing freedom. I want to and by God’s grace will tell people this story because I need them to know that I don’t have it all together, to know that they can depend on Christ for restoration and redemption.
I need them to know that this is part of the beauty of the gospel, FREEDOM.
In all honesty, I’m still questioning my motive for writing and sharing this but even in that, I have to look beyond myself.
I remember questioning God after I screamed out those shameful words in the beginning. Not necessarily in an innocent or confused way but more of a why are you trying to ruin my life kind of way. I asked God: what are you doing?
I also remember telling Him to bring glory to Himself in all these although what I meant at the moment was: Don’t put me to shame.
I don’t understand it all and I am still confused when it comes to my school situation and other things, but I think I see God bringing glory to His name.
Bring glory to yourself, whichever way you want to do that God. I am willing now and I just need you to bring glory to yourself. Not so that people can see me, but so that they can see you and even more so that I can see you for who you are.
And God? Shame on me God. Shame on me.