Losing Control: Full Disclosure

There’s a certain level of control we all desire to have when it comes to what’s happening to us, in us or around us. And for some of us that have gotten so used to that level of control in life, it’s easy to come undone when we no longer have any idea of what comes next.

And maybe it has nothing to do with being in control per say but actually feeling about as disappointed with life as one can be.

And I think I’ve been at this place for some time now.

Losing control of your life can easily make you unsure of everything and anything. And for me, that has brought about a deep level of insecurity and numbness. A lack of purpose and passion for all and nothing.

What is the point of it all? I’ve occasionally found myself asking.

All that I’ve come to know or at least I thought I knew is being unraveled at my feet and I’m afraid to pick up my feet and move on. Life feels like a big ball of yarn and the more I try to pick it up by its string, the more it comes undone.

So I’d rather and actually have chosen to stay in one place, the state of being stuck.

But while being stuck, I’ve also tried to fight for control.

I’ve decided to pick up certain things as a crutch to lean on. I’ve chosen to chase after friendships and relationships I have no business chasing after. Opening the door of communication with certain people from the past. It seemed familiar when it first started, but these relationships have brought about more death than life. Found myself using people for my own comfort.

The other day, I also decided to join Tinder which made me so uncomfortable and worried that I deleted my profile the same day I joined. And then of course, I’ve also been using Snapchat which has really brought about a deep sense of insecurity and discontentment.

So far, nothing works.

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